1 Corinthians 2:1-5 "And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. 2For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 3And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, 4and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, 5that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God."
Philippians 3:7-11 But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.
Before I did everything to please myself, even using Jesus as a means to that end. I lived my life by my own moral standard, thinking I was "good," and never once considered that I could truly displease God enough that He could, or even would, send me to Hell. Truly, my life was all about myself, my faith was in my own goodness and I was very much bound for Hell. (1 Cor.8:2; Ps.53:3; Rom.3:10-12)
God gave me a wake-up call. That is what He does. He brought this dead soul to LIFE!
God used some very hard circumstances, some trials, for me to place my faith, that He authored (Heb.12:2), in Him. He brought trials into my life by His Sovereignty that turned me right around. He got my eyes off of this helpless, pitiful lump of nothing--> me <-- and onto His Sovereign, Majestic Self. The Creator of all Heaven and Earth, He provided for my every need according to His riches in glory and that provision was absolutely bringing me to the end of myself, showing me how weak and helpless I am, totally unable to save myself and He helped me to see my desperate need for Him. This provision did not only provide my salvation, a regenerated heart, it also provided the dependance on Him that I needed to go through another really difficult time in my life. Trials, I have discovered, are necessary. They show me who I really am and prove where my faith is placed.
Trials show me whether my faith is placed in Him or myself.
This second trial has tested me way more than the first. It has driven me to my knees in prayer. It has sent me searching the scriptures. I listen to sermons day and night and read books hungry to know God more, desperate for His wisdom to be poured out, for the fruit of His Spirit to be evident in my life. This trial has taught me about God's power and Satan's ability to deceive. This trial, though private, continues to rage in my life. By God's grace, He has provided much growth, He has humbled me, and has transformed my life and there is evidence of His conforming me to the image of His Son, Jesus Christ.
Through the first two trials, God has brought me to rely on Him more, and as one of my biggest fears was realized, I have felt nothing but complete peace and have truly trusted my Terrell into His loving, ever faithful, and merciful hands.
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| On September 17th, 2009, my Terrell (now 6y/o) was diagnosed with A.L.L. or Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. This is my testimony of God's loving hand in my life and the unexpected blessing of cancer..... |
When I was pregnant with Terrell, this fear would rise up that he could die, that I might lose him. I always prayed immediately and the fear went away. I always thought it would be the hardest thing I would ever face if one of my kids got a disease or got hurt really bad. I wasn't what you would call "uptight" about it but it was definitely something that I would call a fear....I don't think anyone wishes for that sort of thing to happen in their family and you certainly never think it will happen to you.
Terrell had gotten a rash. We had taken him to the ER and we were assured by the doc on call that it was nothing to worry about. We were given prednisone (an oral steroid medication) to give treat the rash. I was an EMT at one time and recognized this medication and did not feel good about giving it to him so I didn't. ***We later found out that this could have hid the leukemia.
During this time we had also had the flu in our home. My 2 girls had it and so when Terrell started to seem lethargic and pale, I thought it was a combination of the rash and the flu. We had talked about taking all the kids to see our family doc (it was a 3 hr drive) and decided that now was just as good a time as any.
The kids and I set out on the trip and about 20 minutes down the road, Terrell started throwing up. This is not an abnormal thing for him, he regularly gets car-sick. I debated about whether it might be the flu and considered turning around. I decided to press on. He fell asleep not long after that.
By this time, I was not feeling well either. We got to Edson two and a half hours later and went straight to the hotel. Terrell woke up and continued to throw up, the girls and I had the runs and we all felt miserable. I still was not thinking there was anything seriously wrong. Terrell just had the flu and was already run down by this rash that he had had for quite a few days. Nothing to worry about....
The medical clinic where we were needing to go was short on docs. Because of this, we were unable to make an appointment ahead of time so in the morning, I had to stand outside the clinic to try to get one, along with the dozens of others that were wanting the same thing. The clinic opened at 8:30am and I was told that if I wanted to make sure that I got an appointment, I should be there around 7am. I was, and with all of us feeling miserable. I parked as close to the front doors as I could. My biggest worry was that one of us would begin to flow out of one end or the other....lol....including me:(
I was one of the first to get an appointment once the doors of the clinic opened and so I just had to wait until 10:15am. I went and grabbed us some breakfast. By this time, Terrell was powering down. He was just wanting to sleep. He didn't want to move or open his eyes and would cry if I tried to do anything with him.
We got to our appointment and all of us were to be looked over so we all went into the tiny little examining room at the same time. The doc started with Terrell. She looked at his rash and assured me that it was nothing to worry about. I mentioned that I had noticed a lump behind his ear and one in his groin area and so she started feeling his glands and palpating his abdomen. She said that all his lymph nodes were swollen and his liver and spleen were enlarged. She told me that she wanted him to go for blood work. She said that she did not want me to worry because it could be anything really minor just as easily as it could be serious. She warned me to not go looking on the internet but to just wait for the results of the blood work.
As I headed up to the hospital to go to the lab, I already knew it was serious. I just knew. I began to pray and ask the Lord what His intentions were. He never spoke anything but I knew that everything would be okay. I can't explain the calmness I felt, but it was what the bible speaks of....a "peace that surpasses all understanding."
We had to wait for awhile after we were done at the lab for the doc to call us. When she finally did, she asked me to come back to the clinic to talk to her. When I arrived there, the nurses took me, alone, back to the same tiny examining room. By this time there was no doubt in my mind that we were facing something serious and that I was about to find out what it was. I still felt peace. I was truly stunned by that. My doc came into the room and told me that she believed the blood work to be telling her Terrell had leukemia. A wave of emotion past through me and then I calmly asked her what we were going to do. She asked if I would be okay to drive Terrell the 2 hours into the Stollery Children's Hospital. She told me that they would confirm his diagnoses and take it from there.
The drive to the Hospital was more of the same, asking God to help us through what He had brought into our lives. I knew that just as before, this trial was meant to cause me to grow and change and learn. It was meant to conform me more to the image of Christ. Had it not been for the trials that had preceded this, I do not think I would have made it. God is SO faithful!!
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| Just days after Terrell was diagnosed in the Stollery Children's Hospital. |
We got to the hospital around 5pm and I was a little shocked that we had to wait in the waiting room. As time passed, I found myself dreading them calling our name. Right there, in that place, we were still "normal" Terrell was still healthy and whole and had no stigma of a disease on him. Right there, we didn't know what was coming and I was good with that. I found myself wanting to stay there forever, sort of suspended in the unknown. I know that sounds so silly.
When they finally called our name at 10pm, I carried Terrell to the exam room that they led us too. By this time, he would not open his eyes and he did not want to move. It really seemed like my happy, very energetic little boy was near death. I found myself wondering if I would ever see that other boy again. I would have given anything right there to see him again.
They took some blood and started an IV and we waited. A nurse came in and asked questions. Another nurse came in and asked all the same questions. A doc came in. It was a steady stream of people that asked a lot but wouldn't tell us anything. They provided us with books and videos to entertain the girls as well as a playroom down the hall if we wanted to take them there. Terrell protested every time they touched him or moved him, he just wanted to sleep.
Kent had taken the girls to the playroom, when a doc, finally, came in and spoke with me. He looked me in the eyes and said that Terrell had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. As he spoke with me, he stopped and asked me if I was okay. I was. He said that I looked like I had known already. I did. He was surprised that I was not falling apart. I would have been too, accept, I knew that God had prepared me for this. I was 100% sure of that!
When my husband came back, the doc told him too.
It was about 2am when they finally moved us up to a room. I could not tell you where that room was located but they had a place for us all to sleep and so, after they got Terrell all settled, in our clothes, we all laid down and went to sleep.
When I had Terrell, we started a family bed. All my kids slept in our room and as they got older, we moved a second bed into our room and so my kids were never far from me. At 5am, I woke and went and laid beside Terrell in his hospital bed. He was sleeping so hard. He was so pale. He was so lifeless. I wanted him to move over and lay on my arm and snuggle in like he always did. Right there and then were the only tears I cried. I felt like Jesus was in the room and knew as I cried and prayed that God was completely in control, that this had not taken Him by surprise, I had nothing to worry about. There was a calm assurance, a complete trust that I know could only have been produced by God Himself.
The next few days were a blur. I could not make heads or tails of what came first or next, yesterday or tomorrow. My biggest concern was for my girls as I had to stop breast feeding Jenna and I hated how upsetting all of this was for the girls.
As time went on, I was amazed as God used me to encourage other families. What we were facing was minor compared with some families. I began to pray for the different families, their needs and that God would use me, somehow, to bless them. God never failed to provide for our every need. He is SO trustworthy! When Terrell had different procedures that were difficult, that was probably the most stress I felt and God just continued to encourage me, strengthen me, and most of all continued to draw me to Himself. He was an ever present help in all my troubles.
I have come to find joy in my trials....Paul exhorted us to find joy in our trial and I never really knew how that could be possible but God showed me how. He IS the joy. I never have experienced His presence like I did in those difficult times. He is so close to those who need Him. It is rare for life to be easy and us to feel a need for Him.
I want to share two things that have come to mean a great deal to me....I was taught about these two things, and continue to be, directly from the Word of God by the power of His Spirit.
One of the first was a bible study on the Proverbs 31 woman. She has come to mean a great deal to me because God has shown me the kind of woman He wants me to be to my family, for Him. All the things this particular chapter highlights....they all come down to virtues that the Lord inspires and even creates in us. The Lord taught me about submission. This, to many women, is a bad word. I learned, thru much trial and error, that submission is not as much about obeying a man as it is about trusting God to lead us through that man. This has been a true gift to our family as I grew into this knowledge that I can't change anyone, not even myself and I placed my life in His hands to mould me into the woman He wants me to be. I bowed the knee to His Lordship, continue to acknowledge Him in every way and He leads me....through my husband. It is really amazing to see how God works....through the method He created! He is in control of all things and as we trust Him, even through our husbands leadership, its amazing to see how He changes us and our families!
"A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." -Proverbs 31:30
I came to that word "fear" I believed many things about this word. I did NOT believe it actually meant that we are to "fear" God. I learned quickly that it absolutely does! He is in control of all things and He means everything that happens to fulfill His own great purpose. (Job 42:2) He has told us thru His word of what His plans are. None of those things have failed to happen and none of them ever will. This is something to fear....we must put God in His rightful place! One more thing that came to my attention to support this is that Isaiah speaks of God in this way, "He shall be your fear, He shall be your dread." (Isaiah 8:13) Footnotes: It is not people , but the Lord who is the object of fear. He is the ultimate authority to whom all must submit, in whom all may trust, and to whom everyone must render an account (Is.12:2; 33:6; 50:10; 59:19; Ps.25:12-15; 34:11-14). The Bible says that God's wrath abides over us. That was the thing about the curse (Genesis 3) We are lost, blind, separated from God....dead in our trespasses and sin. We are not sinners because we sin, we sin because we are sinners. Let that sink in. Without Christ we are without hope....we abide under wrath and judgement....we are sinners in the hands of an angry God. But in the very beginning, from Genesis 3, we see God's plan for redemption immediately! He slaughters an animal and clothes Adam and Eve.....He covered their shame.....and He wants to do the same for us today. I have been learning through the last few years, finding the Truth to be much different than I thought it was. I thought the Truth was that God was a loving God and that He wouldn't send anybody to Hell who doesn't really deserve it. I was right, but the part I was missing is that the only One who doesn't deserve Hell is Christ Himself. This is so wonderful! The Bible says that God is just and in His justice, He cannot abide sin. So He becomes a man, lives the life that we can't, because we are slaves to sin, He dies in our place bearing ALL our guilt and shame.....EVERY bit of our guilt and shame--- past, present and future....paid in FULL! Because of this, we are set FREE! He goes into the grave, conquers death...both physically and spiritually....we no longer have to remain separated from God, abiding under His wrath....we no longer need to fear death either! Through Christ, and only through Christ, we may NOW approach God....we may NOW come into His presence....we are NOW able to know Him personally! Through Christ all things are reconciled! ONLY through Christ!! It is not about anything we can DO but about what Christ has DONE! The work is complete, we only have to believe it! The evidence of this true belief is that His Spirit lives IN us and produces fruit of HIS life. We become righteous in God's sight. Grace abounds from our lives. The sin we once loved is now a burden because His righteousness, in us, cannot abide with it. My life has been changed....I look back to the beginning of it all and see a totally different person then I am today. I see a person filled with pride, doing what was right in my own eyes, oblivious to the eternal plan of God to redeem mankind from sin, guilt, shame....ultimately, to redeem mankind from death--separation from Himself. To know this Truth, is a true gift....and I want to share that gift with you and all who come into my life.
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